Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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