I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
