I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
