I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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