Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
