I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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