if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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