It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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