She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
