Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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