I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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