Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
