So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
