she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
