i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
