when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
