guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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