whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
