sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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