this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
