Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
