Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
