I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
