The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
