omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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