the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
