turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
