Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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