I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
