I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
