Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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