Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
