Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
