i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
