i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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