sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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