its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
