you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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