You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
