I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
