Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
