Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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