Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
