The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
