Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
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I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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