he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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