I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
