Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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