I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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