At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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