you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
