i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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