Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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